The Sleeping Bear

I admit it. I’m a 34-year-old curmudgeon. I seem to hate everything that everyone else likes. So that means I hate Halloween. Theoretically, I should love a holiday that features chicks dressing like sluts and free candy. That’s right up my alley. It’s my sweet spot, really.

But I don’t. I don’t know why. Possibly because I don’t think it’s particularly fun to play dress up. I think I outgrew that around age 5. To me, clothes, like damn near everything else, should be functional.

I know I’m in the minority here. Judging by the number of bad costumes I saw at work, I’m about the only one that feels mandatory dress-up days are a tad bit childish. If I had a nickel for every time someone said “What are you?” today, I could quit my job and wear underwear – the most functional clothes – all day long.

But there has to be others like me out there. For you who refuse to play dress up, here are a couple Halloween costume suggestions:

1.Dress up like a conservative Christian who thinks Halloween is a satanic holiday. This is a fun one. Basically, get up, and get dressed. Go to work. Cross yourself and/or say “Jesus still loves you” whenever someone wearing a costume passes. It also wouldn’t hurt to bring some faux holy water and sprinkle it on your costumed co-workers. Maybe call Obama a foreigner, a Muslim terrorist and a baby killer. The crazier the better.

2. The tried and true “I’m dressed like a non-conformist” is also a good costume. Again, like the crazy Christian, you can get up and put on some regular clothes. When everyone else shows up in Lady Gaga and Wookie costumes, you can simply say “I’m a non-conformist.” Or if you want to go the uber-crazy route, tack on something about the Jewish Cabal that’s taking over the world. And how much you hate the G7.

3. Dress up as the Invisible Man. This one might take some cajones. Essentially, the night before the company mandated dress-up day, put a sign on your cubicle stating “Invisible Man at Work.” The next morning, don’t go into work. Stay in bed, watch some TV, jerk off, whatever. Not showing up to work is the key, as is a cheaply made sign that looks like you gave the homeless dude on the corner a shot of Jack to make it for you.

4. Dude who Masturbates 10 Times a Day. OK, so this one might require a prop. But no change in your everyday attire. Essentially, you get up, put on your regular clothes and go to work. If your work has some tissues or a tissue box lying around, grab ‘em. Ball some up. Carry them around. Then, when someone asks who you are, point to the balled-up tissues and say “I’m a dude who masturbates 10 times a day.”

Got your own Halloween costume idea that doesn’t require a costume? Drop it in the comments and share with your fellow Halloween haters.

I love new technology, but I always seem later than a whore’s period to the party. I didn’t get a cell phone until late in 2005. It’s a dichotomy: I spend my days eagerly consuming tech news like it was free candy, yet my cell phone is the flip phone variety circa 2002.

I used free candy as my metaphor in the preceding paragraph because, well, I’m a cheap SOB too. Which explains why I didn’t get a cell phone until 2005 – the plans are just too damn expensive. And when I did finally get the aforementioned flip phone, it was only because I found a plan on Sprint, codenamed SERO, that cost me $30 a month for 500 minutes, unlimited data, free nights and weekends and other Sprint perks.

I know, I know, you get what you pay for. I’m not going to lie, Sprint was a third-rate carrier. Though they probably won’t admit it, they released the SERO plan, which originally was an employee plan, to the wild in an attempt to buy customers. At the time, they were known for pretty bad customer service. Even as late as last year, I read an article that said Sprint was likely to disappear within three years.

And their phone selection on the SERO plan was pretty bad. Though they gave you unlimited data, they didn’t give you the phone that could chew that data. No Blackberry, no Windows Mobile, no Android. No fun.

When I started hearing rumblings about this kickass new phone called the Evo that could do everything – including fellate – I was seriously considering jumping over. I assuaged my cheap side by saying “But look, it’s only $80 for unlimited everything – every other carrier charges more than that for less. And look how well that phone can cook a steak!”

You see, Sprint being a phone Nazi – no phone for you, SERO folks! – required SERO members to move up to the Everything plan at $80 a month. I checked my budget. And double-checked it. And triple-checked it. I could easily swing an extra $50 a month. And look how cleanly the phone slices through tomatoes!

I waffled back in forth in the weeks leading up to the June launch: Yes, I’m getting it – look how fast it can boil water! No, I can put that $50 to better use in my bank account. It was a tough decision. In the end, it was the same old response: my cheapness won out over my “Cool! Wow!” side.

But then something strange happened. Rumors started to swirl that Sprint was going to let legacy SERO customers on a new plan for an extra $20 a month. In typical Sprint fashion, nothing was really officially announced. One rep would say “Absolutely not. Tiger Woods will take a vow of celibacy and join a monastery before that happens.” While another would say “You didn’t hear it from me, but that sounds like the case.”

It seemed like every day my hopes would either shoot up or be destroyed. Then, out of nowhere, some VP at Sprint confirmed the rumor on his blog. A month later, a web site sprouted up at Sprint.com confirming the rumor. We were saved! Bye bye flip phone, hello phone that doubles as a time machine!

It was a smart decision by Sprint, if you ask my opinion. I know you didn’t, but I’m giving it anyway – it’s my blog and I can opine if I want to. The way I look at it, people who signed up for SERO are cheapos like me. Don’t believe me? I’ve seen some of them complain about losing their 10% corporate discount. 10% on $30 is like $3. There’s no way these cheap bastards would pay an extra $50 a month (or as they would call it, a 266% price increase).

So Sprint decided to charge $10 a month more for access to the iconic phones, and threw in some goodies like Sprint Navigation, unlimited mobile to mobile and in my case, unlimited texting. Throw in the mandatory $10 for the “added” data experience of 4G phones like the Evo, and you’ve got $50 a month for unlimited text, unlimited data, 4g, and a phone that can cut your hair (pubic included).

I may be cheap, but I love a bargain. This is a bargain.

So I jumped on board. I ordered my shiny new Evo online and was on the phone to activate it when Sprint customer service opened at 6 a.m. on Oct. 1. And I love it. Shitty battery life aside, my grubby little fingers are smudging up that screen tweeting, texting, buzzing, Angry Birding, selecting podcasts using the kller Stitcher app and just plain tapping it for fun.

Did I mention it slices onions and dices carrots?

When I tell people that I love D3 football, they look at me queerly.  So then I go on one of my patented rants:

“Quick quiz: What was the best played college football game a year ago?”

They talk Alabama. They talk Texas. They talk USC.

I shake my head in dissent, dismissively.

“Whitewater and Mount Union. 1 penalty.  Both teams executed brilliantly. It was easily the best game I watched all season. And it was in a title game that concluded this little thing called playoffs.”

Then I talk to them about Bethel and SJU’s epic battle in 2003, where more than 13,000 fans lined the stadium, braving freezing weather to watch the Johnnies come back in the final minutes to win 29-26, sealing coach Gagliardi’s record 409th victory, in a season in which SJU went out to easily outpoint Mount Union for the title. Or the fabled Miracle in the Mud, the playoff game between Central and Linfield, where a bad snap on a potential game-tying FG in OT was picked up by Central and run in for the game-winning score as overeager Linfield fans rushed the field, thinking the game was over.

Well, folks, the 2010 Tommie/Johnnie game ranks right up there with the best of them. In what was perhaps the most hyped D3 football game in Minnesota since at least Bethel/SJU in 2003, the game did what no one thought it could do: Live up to the hype.

You see, the Tommie/Johnnie rivalry goes way back. They kick St. John’s ass in basketball and baseball, but St. John’s owns football. In fact, the last time the Tommies beat the Johnnies in football Bill Clinton was getting intern love in the oval office – 1997. Twelve-straight Johnnie wins later and St. Thomas was starting to feel a lot like Bethel circa 1999.

You see, Tommie football has always been an enigma. In those 12 contests, I’d posit that at least half the time, St. Thomas actually had more talent on the field than St. John’s. What? Yeah, they’re always big with great athletes. Let’s face it, most football players like the bright lights and big city that is St. Thomas instead of the Nome-like isolation that exists at St. John’s. St. Thomas always had talent. They just never put it together into a cohesive unit.

But then Glenn Caruso showed up. And suddenly a talented Tommies team started to put it all together. In his first Tommie/Johnnie game, his squad scored what appeared to be the game-winning TD late in the game, only to have the referees rule them down at the 1. The next play, they fumbled, the Johnnies recovered and the Tommies were staring at a 12-9 home defeat. Then there was last year’s game which the Johnnies dominated for three quarters, only to have the Tommies score two late TDs after special teams miscues. In OT, the Johnnies scored a TD to win the game. But SJU had been served: the Tommies weren’t the patsies they’d been for the last decade.

And the football rivalry was renewed. Enter this year. The Tommies went deep in the playoffs last year, finishing 11-2, and returning all but two starters. The Johnnies were ranked high in the preseason, but lost a heartbreaker in OT to Wisconsin – Eau Claire in the second week of the season. Meaning a loss to the Tommies would essentially end all hope of a playoff berth. The Tommies were looking to get a monkey off their back. The Johnnies were playing for their lives.

And early on it showed. The Johnnies took the field in front of 16,421 fans, surely the most fans to watch a football game in Central Minnesota history. They looked loose, ready to go. And from the opening kickoff, they were, pounding out a 12 play drive that included runs by all four of their running backs (Schneider, Reding, Awe and Johnson) and a run by Boyle for good measure. 5 and a half minutes, 10 runs, and St. John’s was on top 7-0.

St. Thomas quickly responded, though, driving down the field before stalling at the SJU 10 yard line. They lined up for a chip shot FG, only to have their kicker shank it. Still 7-0 Johnnies. The Johnnies went back to their ball control offense, pounding out five more runs, before failing on a third and short. They punted away and again the Tommies move the ball easily, before Billy Lawrence picked off a Dakota Tracy pass at the 15.

Once again the Johnnies fable bend but don’t break defense was paying dividends. The pressure seemed to be causing the Tommies to crack. Maybe it was the overflow crowd or maybe it was the 12 year gorilla. Whatever it was, the Johnnies looked in total control of the game.

Yet, they only led 7-0. And after the interception they were unable to mount much of anything and again were forced to punt. And again the Tommies turned the ball over, this time on the odd off guard pitch play they run. And yet, again, the Johnnies failed to capitalize. After a 17-yard punt, the Tommies went two plays, capped by a 39-yard strike from Tracy to Margarit that tied the game at 7.

And it was on. The Tommies were staring at a -2 deficit in the turnover battle, but the scoreboard had ’em tied up. So the teams traded turnovers, Reding dropping the ball on a play that could have very easily been ruled incomplete, while the Tommies had their All-American center airmail a snap over QB Dakota Tracy’s head. The Johnnies recovered, yet were only able to net a FG and we went in at the half with a narrow 10-7 Johnnie lead.

And we were on to the second half, which soon turned into the Ben Wartman show. The Tommies star RB had been sidelined for most of the past two games with an injury. He practiced very little during the week. Yet, he showed up big time in the second half, finishing the day with 158 yards and three scores. The Johnnies had bottled him up in the past, accounting for two of the few games where he didn’t gain 100 yards in his career. But not today.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The Tommies got very little on their first possession of the half, and the Johnnies began moving, driving as far as the Tommie 28, where they failed to convert on fourth and 1. It was a big miss, because it seemed to inflate the Tommies, who took the momentum and rolled down the field, running Wartman and Tracy, Tracy and Wartman, all the way for a score and their first lead of the afternoon. The Tommie faithful exploded. The Johnnies faithful sat nervously wondering if missed opportunities were going to end their playoff chances.

And that’s when senior QB Joe Boyle put the Johnnies on his shoulders and marched down the field, capping his exploits with two remarkably evasive runs, the first a 14 yarder, the second a 12 yard weave that resulted in a 17-14 Johnnie lead with about 13 minutes left.

And a couple plays later, it looked like the Johnnies were going to seal the deal. The Tommies got a little too cute on reverse play, with Dakota Tracy seemingly setting the ball on the ground for the Johnnies to recover. The Johnnies were in business at midfield. 50 yards away from getting back into the playoff race. 50 yards from yet another heart-rending loss for the Tommies.

They came oh-so-close, marching to the 15 yard line before stalling. Which brought on kicker Jimmie Mattson to bang a 32 yard FG and give the Johnnies a 20-14 lead.

But the Tommies weren’t quitting. In a back-and-forth slugfest, they stayed alive, converting a big third and two on a Tracy naked bootleg and an even bigger fourth and 4 on another Tracy bootleg. When the Johnnies face short yardage, they go option. Apparently the Tommies go bootleg. And it works. A couple Wartman runs later and they were in the endzone, a simple XP from taking the lead with 4 minutes left.

Only someone forgot to tell the kicker how easy extra points are. He missed. The score was tied and the Johnnies had the ball last. Or did they? Boyle made a couple huge plays with his arm and his legs and suddenly the Johnnies were at the St. Thomas 27 with about 50 seconds to play. Mattson has a huge leg, though accuracy is an issue, so I’m thinking 10 more yards and we’re going home with a last second FG win.

But then Boyle threw an ill-advised quick out to Harry Awe that was easily picked off. A couple plays later and for the second year in a row, the Tommie Johnnie game was headed to OT.

The Johnnies won the toss and chose to get the ball second. The Tommies had no problem marching the 25 OT yards and the extra point was an afterthought. 27-20 Tommies. Cue crazy Tommie fans and some sort of hammer and saw celebrating.

But the Johnnies, as they had all game, countered. A quick 11 yard gain on first down had them inside the 15. A dropped TD that had fans first celebrating and then questioning how you could drop such a beautiful throw and a couple runs later and they were staring at a 4th and 2. And Boyle again came through, this time avoiding a mad rush and hitting RB Stephen Johnson in the flat for a six yard score. Second OT, here we come!

But it was not to be. Just as Tommie fans were about to lament a 2OT loss that would be their 13th straight to the Johnnies, a bad hold meant kicker Jimmie Mattson plunked the ball off the left upright, the Tommie fans stormed the field and the Johnnie fans went home looking forward to next year.

It was a great game. As a fan of D3 football, that right there was why I love it. Both teams left everything they had on the field. Big plays abounded, heart-rending mishaps turned happiness into sorrow. And a D3 record 16,000+ fans exulted in the moment.

Twas definitely yet another D3 game for the ages.

Look out Troy Smith. Fate is coming for you. Let me share some history with you:

1. In 1968, someone named Orenthal James Simpson won the Heisman trophy with over 2800 votes, still a record. A successful football career ensued, followed by a mediocre acting career.  A failed first marriage was followed by a failed second marriage. As the grade school taunt goes “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes murdering your ex-wife and her new boyfriend on their front step with a knife.”  Then comes slow speed white Bronco rides, acquittals, civil trials and eventually armed robberies and jail time. What started off like pretty sweet life turned sour quickly for the Juice.  And the Heisman was sold to pay off a wrongful death suit.

2. Exhibit B is one Reginald Alfred Bush. Much like Exhibit A’s Juice, Bush was flying high after winning the 2005 Heisman Trophy with the second highest vote total in Heisman history – 2541. That was followed quickly by allegations of impropriety, allegations that soon turned out to be true. Bush’s USC Trojans were put on probation, stripped of scholarships and left with whiny Lane Kiffin as coach. Bush gave up his Heisman and his ba-donk-a-donk girlfriend in the span of a few months. It’s a fate you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.

3. Exhibit C? That’s you Troy Smith. Call it the Heisman Curse. And it’s coming for you. Why? Because in 2006, just one year after Bush’s landslide Heisman victory, Mr. Smith, you had the nerve to  notch the third highest vote total in the history of the illustrious trophy first earned by a Berwanger from Chicago.  And Troy, you also garnered the most first place votes in Heisman history.

Not good.

So Mr. Smith, I beseech you, do not end up on the wrong side of Johnny Law like Bush and Juice. Keep your hands off knives and your wives. Don’t tell anyone about any gifts you accepted at college. And don’t do anything stupid that will get your Heisman stripped. Like cannibalizing a stripper.  Because the curse is stalking you and your shiny trophy. And you don’t want to mess with Miss Fate. Because that bitch always wins.

I’ve watched a lot of soccer over the past couple of weeks. In which time I’ve heard more vuvuzelas than I’d ever thought possible – mainly because I’d never heard of one prior to 2010. I’ve seen grown men writhing on the ground, with legs seemingly broken, even though the replays clearly show their legs were untroubled by contact.  And I’ve seen those same grown men do somersaults, take their shirts off, slide and bellyflop in absolute joy after scoring decisive goals.

While I’ve been watching the spectacle that is the 2010 World Cup, I’ve also been learning a lot about the game of soccer. As an American who didn’t grow up in suburbia, I never played soccer. Football, baseball and basketball were my sports of choice. So every four years I sit down with a tasty beverage and learn a little bit more about the game. Here’s five things I’ve learned this go around:

1. Goalies are fucking angry. I mean really. They’re always yelling at their teammates. Or the opponent. Or the ref. Or even the goalpost. They make Bob Knight seem like Helen Keller. I guess I’d be angry too if I had to sit around by a net all game trying to keep balls from going into it while everyone else gets to run around and be jolly. But it still seems like a little Ritalin might be in order. So to all you goalies out there, chillax dude. Smoke some weed. Watch some sitcoms. Get laid. Do something to stop being such a royally angry dude, alright?

2.  If Italians spent as much time playing as they do faking injuries, they may have advanced past pool play. Seriously. Come on Italy. Is your entire team made up of porn stars? I haven’t seen that much overacting since  Big Butt Parade 4. Although, I have to admit, their antics did manage to nab them a tie against New Zealand. Without the dive they took in the box, there would be no penalty kick and no tie. So kudos, #5 team in the world, for that dive that earned you a tie with the #78 team in the world.

3. Soccer announcers are the best in the business. The best thing ESPN did in this entire tournament was grabbing lots and lots of English and Irish announcers who tell it like it is, with sophisticated accents and even more sophisticated words. I love it. When you think of American announcers, you think of guys like John Madden, whose biggest contribution may be a well-timed “boom!” or “bam!” Not so with the British. Whilst sipping tea, they’ll ramble on about pace and fabulous scoring opportunities, wowing you with how they turn a phrase. And they aren’t afraid to call it like they see it. Italy took a dive? Disgraceful and distasteful. And cheating.  All in an accent that makes me think of Mary Poppins. Tea and crumpets anyone?

4. Soccer fans, especially large-breasted Latin American ones, are fun to watch. I don’t know about you, but I was entranced by the pictures of the Paraguayan lingerie model and her par a guays. And I’ve loved watching the fans of the various teams. After New Zealand’s shirt-removal celebration in the 91st minute, their fans came shirtless to the Italy game. I saw some dude dressed up in a full Kiwi outfit. The British wore gear straight outta the Dark Ages. There’s more face painting than a small town carnival.

But I do have one small complaint to register with FIFA. Uh, next time, let’s not hold the World Cup at a site that’s stuck in the middle of winter. Imagine how great this World Cup could have been had it featured Brazilians in bikinis instead of everyone in South Africa wearing layers. Did I mention that 2014 will be in Brazil? Yeah, baby!

5. Soccer is an exciting sport. I know, I know, Americans will mock and ridicule me. But it is. Because zit-faced, dim-witted teens score more than many soccer teams, it’s always tense. A missed kick here, a bad pass there can decide the difference between your juggy fans cheering in delight or crying in agony. Americans get the wrong impression that because there isn’t any scoring, there isn’t anything to get excited about. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll never watch an MLS game on TV, but I still have developed an appreciation for international soccer.