I’ve watched a lot of soccer over the past couple of weeks. In which time I’ve heard more vuvuzelas than I’d ever thought possible – mainly because I’d never heard of one prior to 2010. I’ve seen grown men writhing on the ground, with legs seemingly broken, even though the replays clearly show their legs were untroubled by contact. And I’ve seen those same grown men do somersaults, take their shirts off, slide and bellyflop in absolute joy after scoring decisive goals.
While I’ve been watching the spectacle that is the 2010 World Cup, I’ve also been learning a lot about the game of soccer. As an American who didn’t grow up in suburbia, I never played soccer. Football, baseball and basketball were my sports of choice. So every four years I sit down with a tasty beverage and learn a little bit more about the game. Here’s five things I’ve learned this go around:
1. Goalies are fucking angry. I mean really. They’re always yelling at their teammates. Or the opponent. Or the ref. Or even the goalpost. They make Bob Knight seem like Helen Keller. I guess I’d be angry too if I had to sit around by a net all game trying to keep balls from going into it while everyone else gets to run around and be jolly. But it still seems like a little Ritalin might be in order. So to all you goalies out there, chillax dude. Smoke some weed. Watch some sitcoms. Get laid. Do something to stop being such a royally angry dude, alright?
2. If Italians spent as much time playing as they do faking injuries, they may have advanced past pool play. Seriously. Come on Italy. Is your entire team made up of porn stars? I haven’t seen that much overacting since Big Butt Parade 4. Although, I have to admit, their antics did manage to nab them a tie against New Zealand. Without the dive they took in the box, there would be no penalty kick and no tie. So kudos, #5 team in the world, for that dive that earned you a tie with the #78 team in the world.
3. Soccer announcers are the best in the business. The best thing ESPN did in this entire tournament was grabbing lots and lots of English and Irish announcers who tell it like it is, with sophisticated accents and even more sophisticated words. I love it. When you think of American announcers, you think of guys like John Madden, whose biggest contribution may be a well-timed “boom!” or “bam!” Not so with the British. Whilst sipping tea, they’ll ramble on about pace and fabulous scoring opportunities, wowing you with how they turn a phrase. And they aren’t afraid to call it like they see it. Italy took a dive? Disgraceful and distasteful. And cheating. All in an accent that makes me think of Mary Poppins. Tea and crumpets anyone?
4. Soccer fans, especially large-breasted Latin American ones, are fun to watch. I don’t know about you, but I was entranced by the pictures of the Paraguayan lingerie model and her par a guays. And I’ve loved watching the fans of the various teams. After New Zealand’s shirt-removal celebration in the 91st minute, their fans came shirtless to the Italy game. I saw some dude dressed up in a full Kiwi outfit. The British wore gear straight outta the Dark Ages. There’s more face painting than a small town carnival.
But I do have one small complaint to register with FIFA. Uh, next time, let’s not hold the World Cup at a site that’s stuck in the middle of winter. Imagine how great this World Cup could have been had it featured Brazilians in bikinis instead of everyone in South Africa wearing layers. Did I mention that 2014 will be in Brazil? Yeah, baby!
5. Soccer is an exciting sport. I know, I know, Americans will mock and ridicule me. But it is. Because zit-faced, dim-witted teens score more than many soccer teams, it’s always tense. A missed kick here, a bad pass there can decide the difference between your juggy fans cheering in delight or crying in agony. Americans get the wrong impression that because there isn’t any scoring, there isn’t anything to get excited about. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll never watch an MLS game on TV, but I still have developed an appreciation for international soccer.