Mar 14

Last week, as a couple of really rich TV personalities were sniping at each other about journalistic integrity and who’s to blame for the recession, I got to thinking: Blame? Screw that, who should I congratulate for this financial meltdown. Here’s why:

1. Gas is cheaper than a 400 pound hooker. Not that I’ve been in the market for a 400 pound hooker lately, so I can’t confirm that statement with much certainty. But I’m guessing the price of a 400 pound hooker hasn’t changed much since my foray into the flab in the late 90s. Last summer, pre-recession, I was paying between $3.60 and $4.20 for a gallon of gas. For a guy who gets 25 miles a gallon and has a 30 mile commute to work, that was starting to add up. Since the stock market began tanking last fall, a gallon of gas is about 50% of that. For a guy who dumped $40 a week for the privilege of sitting in traffic for a couple hours a day, that’s some nice ching. Probably enough ching to get a 400 pound hooker.

2. I’m neighborless – and loving it! Don’t get me started on my old neighbors. They used to tie their dog up in my backyard, screwed their satellite dish into my fence and spoke very little English. And then along came the recession and – poof! – they disappeared faster than ARod in a big game. Their house was foreclosed, and resold at half the price. But apparently to ghosts, because no one has lived there since, unless you count the rusted 70s era Chevy truck in the driveway. That means me and the golden get to use their backyard for Frisbee retrieving. The recession basically doubled the size of my property – for free!

3. Deflation isn’t just for your enemy’s tires. What I’ve noticed is that during a recession businesses are desperate to sell their goods. If you can manage to keep your job and level of pay, you’re actually in pretty decent shape. For me, that means the staples of my diet – Milk, yogurt, cottage cheese and black jellybeans – have probably dropped in price 20-30%. Sure, that’s caused me to eat 20-30% more and drop 20-30% more green, milky splatters into my toilet bowl, but what’s life without green, milky splatters?

4. Annoying workmates: Here one day, gone the next! We all have those annoying workmates. You know, the ones that talk all day about how wonderful they are at their job. Leaving little time for them to actually do their job. Thankfully, during a recession, the ones getting paid to lick the CEO’s ass start to notice who’s doing their job and who isn’t. And the annoying ones get the old pink sliparoo.

5. Painful gunshot wounds – eliminated! My commuting time has been cut by 33%. Not 34% or 32%, but 33%. With unemployment higher than Gary Busey, that means fewer folks commuting to work. Fewer folks cutting me off. Fewer folks shooting at me when I give them the finger. Fewer bullets in my ulna. And I think fewer bullets in my ulna is something we can all rally around.

For all these reasons, I’d like a give a shout out to everyone the pundits are telling me is to blame for the current economic crisis. What you’ve done for me and my family was a godsend. Thank you!


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