Anyone got a kayak? Earlier this week I could have used one. No, not for lake or river kayaking. But basement kayaking. Basement kayaking? Yeah, you heard me. Basement kayaking.
My water heater sprung a leak, so it was spraying more water on my basement floor than a Depends-less old man. Since the heater is two walls away from the nearest floor drain, I had a river flowing through my basement. Hence, the need for a kayak.
Since the leak sprung over the weekend, on Monday we called a reputable plumber. Because me and the little lady were busy at work until Wednesday, we couldn’t schedule said plumber visit until then.
So in the interim the leak, as all leaks do, got worse. It was so bad, I thought about buying a microturbine and generating some electricity. Yeah, we’re talking serious water volume. And even better, the previous owners of my home were do-it-yourselfers who apparently don’t know much about plumbing. How little do they know? They fed my old water heater with a 3/8 inch pipe. In and out. Yup, goodbye water pressure. But back to my point – these do-it-yourselfers also neglected to put a shut-off valve leading into the hot water heater. So if I wanted to dam the river in my basement, it meant shutting off all the water to my house. Yup, no running water. It’s like going back in time to the 19th century. Or living in West Virginia.
So come Wednesday, I’m pretty pumped about not having to wring out 10 towels every morning after my two minute shower. No testicular cancer checks – I was in and out in a jiffy. So I arrive home from work Wednesday afternoon and the plumber shows up. He goes down to the basement then runs out to his truck, then heads back to the basement with a tape measure.
And then he calls me down. “I’ve got some bad news,” he says. I’m thinking “Shit, how much is this going to cost me?”
“I can’t put a gas water heater in here.”
That I didn’t expect. There’s a gas water heater in the room. I’ve got gas. I’ve got water. What more do you need?
“There’s nowhere to vent in combustible air. It needs to be 10 feet away from your furnace exhaust vent. You’ll have to go with an electric water heater.”
For those of you unfamiliar with electric water heaters, they require electricity. Lots of it. Obviously, since I had a gas water heater, I don’t have the proper wiring to install an electric water heater. Bye bye Minnesota, hello West Virginia for another couple days.
So now I have to get an electrician. And pay them $225 to wire the water heater. Then call the plumber again to install the heater, which typically are less for the heater, but cost double to run. Well, I’m now paying nearly double to install the damn thing. Can you say bitchmonkey?
So the toothless electricians run the wires on Thursday. On Friday (a whole week after the leak), the plumber returns to install it. After a couple hours, he introduces me to my new water heater. I was giddy like a schoolgirl. But even in my giddiness, I heard him say “Should have hot water in an hour.”
But don’t celebrate yet, oh reader. Congratulations were, unfortunately, not yet in order. Fast forward two and a half hours. I hadn’t showered that morning because I didn’t want to mop up the Mississippi. So I strip down and turn on the water. Um, yeah, it was fucking freezing cold. Bye bye testicles.
So I call the plumber. Bear in mind this is Friday afternoon. If they don’t fix it on Friday, I’m staring at a long, cold weekend.
“Yeah, your plumber told me my new hot water heater would be warm an hour and a half ago. It’s still Polar Bear Club cold.”
“Oh no, you won’t have hot water until tonight at the earliest. You have an 80 gallon water heater.”
It was only 50. “No, that doesn’t matter. It will still be tonight.”
Fast-forward to Saturday morning. Still shrinkage-inducing cold. My nuts had replaced my Adam’s apple.
So we left a message for the emergency Saturday plumber. No, I didn’t have a gas leak. But I did have a cold water vasectomy. So get your half-covered ass over here, pronto.
An hour later, Plumber Mike (who, unlike Plumber Joe, is licensed, bonded and insured) shows up. I could tell he wanted badly to blame the electricians. He goes to the electrical box next to the heater. “OK, that looks good. Let’s head to the main box.”
He checks the new breaker. “Wow, looks like they put a used breaker in. Does that look new to you?”
“But I guess the electrical looks right. There’s one more thing I can check, but my plumber said the connection was tight..” He opens the box where the electrical wires are connected. Only one of them is connected. “There’s your problem. Looks like my plumber didn’t connect it.”
Next stop – refund. “I’ll talk to our owner – where did you hear about us?”
“Angie’s List.”
“Yeah, you’ll get a refund. We need a good review.”
An hour later I was finally basking in warm water. My testicles hung low and loose in all their hairy glory. Goosebumps were replaced by burning red skin. And most importantly, I was transported from West Virginia poverty to Minnesota semi-poverty.
Epilogue: My imaginary readers have asked: SCL, how much is a cold shower caused by a faulty install of a water heater worth?
SCL: Since I took two cold showers post-faux-install and they gave me $50 back, the answer is $25 per cold shower. That may not seem like a lot, but I like to put it into terms I can understand. That’s about 60 cans of Hamms. Obviously, I came out ahead on that one.
