The Badass of Badminton

The 2008 Summer Olympic Games kickoff in a couple days. Sweet. Because there’s nothing I like more than hearing about how so-and-so overcame the odds of a deformed claw hand to become an Olympic hero or how  such-and-such an equestrian  fell off her horse, broke a nail, yet still got back on to finish the course, showing true Olympic spirit. It’s that overhyped “overcoming the odds to be an Olympic athlete” storyline that sucks me in every time. Well, that and then watching these greatest of all athletes get caught cheating, relishing the national outrage and getting the chance mock them as they quickly fall from grace. 

So anyway, I decided to do some Olympic prep so I could figure out who would be my pick for  hero turned villain this year. I fired up my naked lady machine, headed over to Wikipedia and studied the events on tap for this year. 

And you know what I learned? Badminton (rhymes with sad kitten) is an official Olympic sport. Badminton? Isn’t that the thing that’s kind of like tennis with a net and some rackets, except they use something that looks like a cross between a bird and a superball? If we want to go all LSAT on it, it’s to tennis like whiffleball is to baseball. 

Now don’t get me wrong – I’m sure all 6 people over the age of 12 that play badminton are excellent athletes. After a breakfasts of raw eggs (including the shells), badminton athletes probably get in a quick triathlon before heading over to the badminton court for a rousing match of “hit the fake birdie”. 

So I fired up Google to see who the best badminton player in the world was, knowing he surely had to be some hulking Brock Lesnar wannabe. What’s that, you say? Top men’s seed Lin Dan is 5’10”, 160? Hmmm…maybe my first impressions about what I’m now calling “The Mint” are wrong. Maybe these dudes are a little less athletic than I thought. Ah ha! But wait! What’s his nickname? Powerful Dan! It says it right there on Wikipedia. He must be one of those wiry strong Olympic athletes.

Heck, like the Beckhams, Lin (or do I call him Dan? These Chinese names confuse me), has a tumultuous relationship heating up the Chinese dailies with fellow badmintoner Xie Xingfang (yeah, she likes his shuttlecock, if you know what I mean). Plus, Dan is known for his fiery temper, something rare in a Chinese state where obedience is the norm. 

But Lin’s all about Lin. He wears T-shirts with his own picture on them. He attacks opposing coaches with his racket. He yells at referees with zeal. He’s a bad boy. Heck, why shouldn’t he be, he’s the best badminton player in the world. If you were the best tiddlywinks player in the world, it’d go to your head, too. I mean, this is badminton, baby. You know the old saying – “Mommas, don’t let your babies grow up to be badminton players.” Cause they’re hell on wheels. 

That’s why I say Lin’s earned the right to be the ultimate badass. Hell, he’s been smacking that s-cock down opponents’ throats for nearly four years, being ranked number one in the world longer than most Hollywood marriages stay together.  Damn it, he’s won back-to-back world championships. Think about it. Back-to-back badminton world titles. Facing the best of the best, he beat them all. The girls swoon at the mere sight of his wiry frame, no doubt.

And that’s why I’ve added badminton to my Olympic Tivoing. Wait, I don’t have a Tivo. But if badminton and Lin hit my screen, I may just watch it for like 4 seconds until turning the channel to a real sport like the fourth quarter of a preseason NFL game. Here’s to you, Lin, you put the “Bad” in badminton.

 

 

 


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