I’m a guy. I have a penis. When most guys think about their penis, it’s probably with love and admiration. Heck, penises are the reason guys are here. If we didn’t have penises, we wouldn’t be able to reproduce. And our pee would back up into our mouth. That wouldn’t taste good.
I do love my penis. But I also hate it. Here’s why:
5. His name: Mr. Peepers. Why did I name him Mr. Peepers? I’m not sure. It just came into my head (the one on top) the other day. Sure, I could rename him. But men never take new names. That’s for women.
Now Mr. Peepers is kinda childish for a penis name. Big Al, Harry, Sasquatch, Straight Shooter Johnson McRichard – those are good penis names. They’re masculine, strong, forthright names. Mr. Peepers sounds like a pervert. He sneaks around peeping into windows. Or maybe he’s a clown. A sock puppet. Not a big, strong, virile penis.
4. Mr. Peepers is a dribbler. We’ve all had those moments: We’re pissing and we think we’re done. We do the obligatory three shakes (because more than three is playing with yourself) and start to zip up. Well, Mr. Peepers is a prankster. He likes to pretend he’s done and just after I zip “Cough, Cough, Spit Spit.” And I’m sitting there with a wet spot on my pants playing the fool. But I’m not that foolish – I splash water on my pants to make it look like an accident at the faucet, not a campaign by Mr. Peepers to discredit me.
3. Grade School Boners. Seriously, why would I suddenly get a boner while the lunch lady is dishing up mashed potatoes? She’s three bills and has a mustache. But Mr. Peepers didn’t care – he got all engorged and I had a flaming erection in the lunch line.
Or there was the time Mr. Peepers thought it was funny to live large while I was batting. In sweatpants. With a stiff wind highlighting my stiffy. Luckily I was 8 and didn’t know what an erection was or meant. But Billy’s dad, who later divorced his mom and moved to San Francisco, sure took a liking to me.
2. Midnight Madness. Talk about a sticky situation. There’s nothing like waking up to pants full of spoo. Sticky McDicky. Mr. Peepers seems to think it’s cool to give himself a milk mustache while I sleep. Well, it ain’t dude. And it ain’t fun peeling off penis skin trying to get Mr. Peepers unglued from my leg, either.
1. He’s just out of reach. Yeah, you heard me. It’s every guy’s dream. You know you’ve all watched the dog orally pleasure himself and thought “Damn. You lucky SOB.” Of course, to your significant other you’re all like “Dude, that dog is sick.” But sick in the X Games good way.
Nope, Mr. Peepers keeps himself just out of reach. We’ve got those darn extra ribs that keep him that way. And that’s why I hate him.
You got a reason you hate your penis? Drop a line in the comments and share you penis hate.
March 11th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
i hate my penis it is so annoying!!!!!!! why do girls so lucky
April 2nd, 2008 at 9:06 am
yure right
May 24th, 2008 at 8:13 am
I hate it, It gets in the way when I wear a skirt and try to cross my legs.
June 21st, 2008 at 10:54 am
Well, a simple solution to your skirt problem is to cut it off. Your penis, I mean.
December 7th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
I wish i had both. I’m gay and a bottom. I bottom because I love being dominated, I love feeling him inside me. lol
May 25th, 2009 at 2:12 am
i hate my penis, because it likes to hump my matress while I sleep at night, then it possesses me to touch him till he throws up all over me. I also hate my penis because it likes to squirt this white sticky shit everywhere that stains stuff and makes a downright mess on my bed and clothes and carpet and… hair? lol hahahaha but honestly… penises are annoying, specially mine cause its big.
September 5th, 2009 at 8:58 am
I hate my penis because I’m stuck with it and it is not a friend. It acts as a gauge to others fort them to judge my level of excitment. When in fact that level is more of the type you feel emotionaly. I do not wish to use my penis on anyone else, nor do I want anybody to use there’s on me they are all ugly.
December 23rd, 2009 at 12:56 am
i hate my penis because it grows pubes on the head part where there isnt supposed to be pubes. it tends to tickle people and make them sneeze because i always put pepper on it. he is a little bastard and loves to have peppered milk
December 23rd, 2009 at 12:59 am
i hate my penis because its small and it doesnt have a green hate. Why God WHy…its all wrinkly and its aging faster than my grandma. WTF
March 6th, 2010 at 5:54 am
I hate my penis because it’s much smaller than my personality. I also dont like the fact it’s slightly curved and fickle. I wish i’d never had one.
March 7th, 2010 at 10:48 pm
i hate my dick coz it gets horny alot and its big lol it makes me touch him alot SOS
March 10th, 2010 at 11:15 pm
Yeah, i should be growin with him nowadays, im a stealer of my girls love with NOWADAYS im frigging QQQQQQQ
penises
April 25th, 2010 at 10:53 am
I’m not gay, so when girls grind up against me and I get a boner and they touch it, I like it, I also like to bat off to hot girls… But other than that…. I fucking hate my dick,
1: constant spontaneous erections make absolutely everything annoying, my pants are annoying my bedsheets are annoying… Whenever things dont go right they are annoying and I get a raging fucking boner.
2: It is fucking itchy, and that pisses me off, thereby
giving me problem number 1
3: constant adjustments, I always need to move around when I’m in a chair or whatever because this fat dangly thing between my legs jiggles about uneccesarily.
4: what the fuck is it? It is literally a piece of skin that liquid waste comes out of… And sometimes paste…. Why can’t it be like some high tech machine like what dogs have, they have it tucked out of sight until its time for sex, at which point it slides nearly out of it’s hole!
June 7th, 2010 at 12:08 am
i hate my penis because its only barely goes past my knees.
June 18th, 2010 at 5:08 pm
I hate my penis because it demands I pleasure it every single day and usually at least 3 times a day… I only give in to that because it really hurts to keep him tucked when he’s hard and a 2-5 minute orgasm is the fastest way to calm him, lest he stand at attention, twisting my panties all over and generally being annoying, for an hour or two waiting for me to touch him… I really would rather bleed from a pussy every other week and have mood swings and be irritable than deal with this… THING for even one more minute… Y-Y
June 30th, 2010 at 6:17 pm
once i went on this 80 mile bike ride with a couple of friends… by the time i hit mile 50 i as all raw and it hurt so much that i had to repeatably lift up my balls and penis and stick them on top of the saddle so that it wouldn’t rub… embarrassing
its also annoying when you get those random erections and to hide it you have to pretend your just getting something our of your pocket… move it (penis) off to the side
oh… why is if your penis outline shows under your pants its soooo wrong, but ladies can get away with their boobs, and even their “mound” showing w/o a problem
August 6th, 2010 at 8:49 am
I feel ashamed when i look at it i hate the way it sticks out. i just dislike it in general. i would like to not have any genitals at all if possible.
August 26th, 2010 at 5:54 pm
i hate my dick for more reasons than i can ever describe in words. my dick is not of this world – a putrid, mottled, lump of mushroom-shaped shit. my dick brings me no pleasure, only great pain. especially when i pummel the little rat with a double fist strike. take that, you filth fragment. ive been petitioning nasa to send my cock to mars, but they want nothing to do with it and i cant blame them. nobody will ever love me.
September 4th, 2010 at 10:05 pm
I hate my own penis ever since my early teenage! It kept wet spot on inside of my boxer after peed! It always erection during awake morning and unable out of my bed cos of it! Kinda embarrass and looks stupid! All of them included mine are so ugly!! I wanted to be a girl and I will!